So basically, it's been a lazy Saturday.
Had emath tuition, finished up the individual part of eng hols hw and spent the rest of the day watching The Big Bang Theory, after having bought Arnold's Chicken for dinner from City Plaza which is just a short drive away from my place. Had hearty laughs while watching my current fave comeday (as previously mentioned) and overall, the day was good cause I managed to keep up my good mood for 2 days straight. But, as usual, something just had to fuck things up. Or should I say, someone.
Basically, things took a turn downhill from there. It was just horrible, plain hurtful. So yeah, as a result, I've been spending the night, wallowing in sadness while having Hot Chelle Rae's 'The Distance' stuck on replay for about an hour straight or so. It didn't make me feel any better and I knew that but still, I couldn't help but play the song again and again and yet, again. The reason being, it reminded me of someone; someone who left my life 5 months ago but reappeared around 1 & a half months ago. At first, listening to the song for the 1st time in 5 months, didn't really affect me. But after several replays, everything kept coming back. All the hurt, pain and anguish that person caused me, I could literally feel it stabbing my heart repeatedly. I'm not even kidding. And at the same time, I was ranting to N______ about that person. I finally found the guts to talk about that person again in 5 months. I didn't know how to feel about it.
I just started getting reminded of those few who made an impact on me and how once upon a time, they used to mean the world to me. They really did mean so much to me but now, we're nothing. It's sad to drift apart from people whom you thought would always be there for you. It's even worse when the time you had together lasts even shorter than expected. It's all too painful and sudden that you can't just swallow your pride and pretend everything's alright. It doesn't work that way. They left me hanging, one by one, and I had to pretend to be strong enough to get over them. I did, eventually, but it took me a hell load of effort and heartaches. It hurt so much to the point that I wanted to give up. I didn't see the point in fighting on. And rn, I seriously dk wth I'm rambling about. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind.
So, I searched up each of their fb profiles (something I haven't done in a long, long time). I looked at their pictures and I smiled because they all seem so happy now. When they're happy, I'm happy. Who wouldn't want to see their loved ones happy? It's just part and parcel of life. I wondered how different things would be if we didn't know one another, if we didn't get closer and if certain things didn't happen. What would the outcome be like then? I'm seriously curious to know. Would things be for the better or for the worse? I have no clue cause I can't change the course of history. I can only pray for things to get better and then we won't continue to hold these grudges between us. I really wish I could be friends with all of them again. How I wish I wasn't so silly. I ended up crying just now. I just felt that I've been living life all wrong and yet, I can't do anything much about it because I can't go back in time and change things. I feel that I'm the crux of all my problems cause at the end of the day, it all boils down to me. I'm annoyed with myself.
I fall for people too easily. I trust people too easily. I give people my heart too easily.
This has got to stop.
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